Feminism shouldn’t be a scary word
It’s incredible to see so many inspirational and practical IWD posts and articles this week, especially on Sunday. Posts lifting other women, celebrations of empowerment, men posting about the incredible women in their lives…. I personally, am getting so much from it. May it continue.
But I do have a niggling thought.
Why are so many people perfectly comfortable to celebrate International Women’s Day but uncomfortable to talk to, or call themselves a feminist?
I have some thoughts on this that I wanted to share. Actually, three thoughts plus two ways to make a difference.
It’s scary being a female feminist
I’ve been a feminist for a long time. I’ve become a vocal feminist, a disruptor, trying to do something that makes a difference - for me, my kids and for others. But for a long time, I wasn’t vocal. I was scared.
This year, in my second year of co-owning my own company, being my own boss, I’m acutely aware of how self-censored I used to be when I wasn’t my own boss and I worked for many men… and not one woman.
“Misogyny is an invisible sport.”
Lynne Littman.
Feminism, pushing for equality and calling out sexism at work always felt like a thin and dangerous line to me, a line that I desperately wanted to cross when I had something to say. And believe me, I had so much I wanted to say.
Inside, like many others, I was frustrated, angry and annoyed that the brazen inequality that I was seeing and often experiencing in this world (not just at work) was really going on. And often it was happening without any acknowledgement of its existence, let alone repercussions. And I know shouting in anger isn't the one. I know how to craft a message, I know how to articulate the points.
But more often than not, I didn't say anything. I felt that I couldn’t.
I had to be smart because I knew how the world worked and I valued my career.
I’m ambitious and I wanted to get to the top, to smash through the obvious, thick and opaque, white, glass ceiling.
I hated being made to feel like I was imagining things.
Or that I wasn’t ‘robust’ enough to accept that ‘that’s just the way it is’.
I didn’t want to feel guilty about making someone else feel uncomfortable by bringing this up.
The voices of men talking about ‘emotional’ or ‘angry’ women who ‘weren’t in control’ would echo through my head as I went to open my mouth or hit ‘send’.
Anger is not seen as befitting of a woman. Not a successful one anyway.
You cannot be an ‘angry woman’ at work.
I even found myself censoring my personal social posts because senior men in my company might see them and could judge me for being troublesome or having a dig. I’m not troublesome. I didn’t want to have a dig. I wanted to share. So why was I scared?
It wasn’t until I left that I realised that what I thought was being ‘smart’, was actually me being suppressed.
Walking a tightrope is wasted energy
I was trying to walk the fine line of competency versus likeability that women have to endure. I still am. Not really being ourselves or code switching to fit in. And it’s the story of so, so many other women. And that makes them facts not just stories.
The thing is, I didn’t know that my straight, male peers didn't have to weigh up the consequences for challenging or pushing forward an idea. They don’t stop to consider asking for more in the way that a woman does. They simply don’t have to.
It blew my brain when I realised that this was a thing that was affecting me. A hidden imbalance. Even though I knew it wasn’t a meritocracy, I didn’t realise it seeped in to all the tiny gaps and beliefs that influenced my actions, my confidence, my very being.
I certainly wasn’t conscious of the wasted time and energy I spent having to rationalise standard workplace behaviours. Time and energy that men did not waste. Not like this anyway.
It’s uncomfortable to be around a feminist
“Progress will happen when men take a stand. It’s the chivalry of the 21st century.” Meryl Streep
International Women’s Day is a day, perhaps even gloriously stretched out over the month of March, celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. It also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity.
Feminism, as defined as ‘the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes’ sounds no different to me.
So why is being a ‘feminist’ still seen in a negative light? Is ‘feminist’ still a bit of a dirty, aggressive word?
The only significant difference I can think of, is that I, as a woman, can embody feminism. I can be a feminist. I am not a day or a month that you can choose to be part of and then forget.
I’m not under your control. And I represent a mirror that could in any way I choose to, at any time and in any situation, highlight society’s gender inequalities. Inequalities that others, like it or not, often benefit from.
I’ll also choose to, at any time, remind my sisters that we do not need men in the way society often makes us believe and that women are incredible and powerful and should be recognised as such.
“Progress will happen when men take a stand. It’s the chivalry of the 21st century.”
Meryl Streep
The discomfort that some may feel is natural.
It’s okay to be uncomfortable and we don’t learn anything without challenge. But please don’t shut us up or ignore us because of that discomfort. Lift us, hear us, tell us you still don’t fully understand. Ask me questions.
It’s okay, I’m a feminist.
Making a difference
Even now, I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck and my worrying that any man I ever worked with takes this as me calling him out for his (potential) part of this suppression. And maybe then, I lose out as he chooses not to work with me, with us.
But none of this happened because of one individual and that’s not what this is about.
“Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead, Anthropologist.
This is society and this is simply the way it is. A society made up of systems, processes and behaviours that were built with men in mind.
And many are living life unaware.
Unconscious.
Not seeing.
Not believing.
Not listening.
I get it.
There are many things that I’m unaware of and many things I hope I’m not unknowingly part of.
But the route to positive change can be about individuals. You can be a feminist too. We can all choose to start seeing, to start listening and believing. To be curious, to ask questions. To change our behaviours. To help those less privileged than ourselves.
… So my advice. Think about it. Talk to others. That’s enough for today.
What? What have you learned today? What have you realised? What did you think was happening before you read this? What did you expect to read?
So What? So what is the impact of that? Why does it matter? How does what you’ve learned impact the work that you do or the people you work with?
Now What? What are you going to do as a result of your experiences? What will you do differently? How will you apply what you have learned?